Courage, dear heart

Source: Google Images | Terribly Tiny Tales

Sara

1. The Rendezvous

The drops from heaven have fallen at last!

"Everything looks better after a downpour", thought Sara. The rain washes away the dirt to reveal that which is hidden in plain sight. That's where the truth is always hidden because no one ever looks at the simple, obvious things.

She looked at her watch and sighed. Mr. Jake-Pehel Matthew was late again. The thought of him brought a somber smile to her face. Here was a guy who was offering her everything that she had ever dreamt of and she couldn't break down the sturdy walls of her inner fortress to let him in. She no longer understood if these walls protected her or shut the world out. She kept telling herself that the door was wide open but couldn’t explain how one could stay trapped in an open cage.

A blush crept up her cheeks as she remembered his confession of love for her. The simple things and subtleties always stay the same. Her inkling that this was in the offing had failed to mask her surprise. Her face had turned the color of winter rain and his eyes had given away the imminent pain of unintended rejection.

The door of the cafe opened snapping her out of her reverie. He walked in, soaked to the bone, his white linen shirt drawn tout over his muscles. "He sure likes an entrance!” she thought. He caught her eye and beamed as he walked towards her.

“You look ravishing, Miss.Sarafina”, he said as he took his seat. “As do you”, she replied through the pools of red on her cheeks. His gaze softened as he looked at her intently. She heaved a sigh and said, “Pehel, this is really hard for me as it is, please don't make it any worse. I am a broken girl and yet I am laying down my armor and would appreciate it if you did the same."

"Sara, do you even need to ask? I have been completely vulnerable to you right from the start. I have made this really clear", he said.

"Precisely my point! You have made it crystal clear only to leave me wondering how you could possibly trust me when you never knew me back then. How could you venture to take a risk that might shatter your heart to pieces?” she asked bewildered.

He smiled tenderly, "Because I wanted to. I wanted you to know me-- all of me. I wanted you to know parts of me that no one else does or will know. Vulnerability is mental intimacy. And I want to have the most intimate relationship with you." He winked and strode over to the counter to get some coffee, leaving Sara alone to drown in her thoughts.

"You said that you loved me. Did you mean it?” she enquired when he returned.

"What do you think?” he asked playing innocent as he emptied the contents of his bag onto the table. Her eyes fell on a tiny black diary that looked like his journal. Her eyes widened in surprise. "He never told me he was into journaling”, she thought. He looked up, for her silence always made him uneasy, like he had crossed a line from where there was no return. He saw her curious eyes on his journal. He chuckled and placed the book right between them on the table. That would annoy her. A secret within her grasp but one that she couldn't have. He was right and she flashed him her best death stare. “I am not exactly helping my case”, he thought.

"I believe I asked you a question”, he said. “I believe I asked you one as well”, pat came the reply. This is what he loved--her razor-shark wit. Also, her clever little mouth that he so earnestly wanted to kiss. They could do this all day, she would never let it go. He sighed before answering her question.

"Sara, I understand that I caught you off guard. I know that you are scared but do you honestly think that I am not? I meant every word of what I said. I am all that I seem. Also, I know that you already had an inkling about my feelings."

"An inkling that you loved me as more than a friend? Of course I did”, she said. He arched an eyebrow. “So, you hoped it wouldn't be that?” he asked, the icy disappointment loud in his voice.

"I didn't mean it like that. I get it. I can see how wonderful this is! We fit so perfectly. We are so different, this is not supposed to add up like this. Yet strangely, it does!” she said, her eyes wide with amazement. "Then what is the problem?” he whispered.

"The problem is that I need to know that it will last. Before I get into something, I need to know that it isn't ephemeral. I need to know that I am indeed as special and important to you as you make it seem. I need to know that you mean what you say and that you aren't taking me for a ride!” she said in a single breath. He was following her words like the rats of Hamelin followed the Pied Piper’s song, her accent always seemed to peak his heart-rate. ”Don’t you trust me?” he asked.

"I trust you, I do! But, I don't know!” she said teary-eyed.

"That's good. That’s the best kind of knowing-- it is filled with so much promise!” he said. Notwithstanding, he brushed the tear off her cheek. Her skin was so soft, tender, and velvety like the red-velvet cake that she loved so much.

"I can see it in your eyes that you mean what you say. I don't know what more I want!” she said pushing the hair out of her face in exasperation. “I don't want to hurt you. You matter a lot. You give me peace. You are my home. I don't ever want to lose you. I don't think I can stand to see you with another woman. But...is this Love?!” she asked petulantly as she sipped her coffee. ”You fell in love with a broken girl”, she said with sadness in her eyes.

He smirked and pushed the tiny black book towards her saying, “You once told me that if I could look at myself through your eyes, I would see how much potential I carried. Now, I want you to see yourself through my eyes-- to know and perhaps understand just what you mean to me."

"But don't tell me that I didn't warn you!"

Saying thus, with one last smile, Mr. Jake-Pehel Matthew walked out of the door.

Sara

2. The Journal

She sat on the rain-washed terrace of her home with his journal on her lap. “Do you really want to do this?” Sara asked herself. She needed answers and they were in that tiny black book.

Heaving a sigh, she opened it. It wasn't his "Everyday Diary”. He hadn't written consistently. Some pages were ripped out. “Let me make a mental note to ask him about the missing pages. Does he really have something to hide now as well? Let me just start reading”, Sara thought. The first entry read:

16th December, 2015

I don't know why I am doing this! I am writing a journal, for crying out loud! I am not a writer. But Sara thinks otherwise. Maybe I am writing this because she thinks I am a writer or to illustrate a point and see which one of us is right. I’m not sure.

She mentioned something about the ‘Muse and Bard’. I needed a dictionary to understand that one. I need one to understand a lot of what she says. I think that's interesting!

So, she is hung up on the idea of being a man's muse, (the first time she said that, I thought she meant "Mistress”. Thank God I was wrong!), an inspiration to be better, live better. Well, unbeknownst, she has become my Muse.

She has left her fingerprints on my soul.

She also went on about looking at people through another's eyes and potential (let me not bore you with that). Well, she could look at herself through mine. It will show her how amazing she is, how awesome I am, and how perfect we are together.

I want her to read this someday and smile. I would do anything for that smile.

So, let us start at the beginning, shall we?

 

Pehel

3. The story through HIS eyes

12th August, 2015

I was famished when I walked into the café. I was in line, impatiently awaiting my turn when my eyes fell on this girl in a black turtle-neck sweater and long, lustrous hair. She was sitting by the window looking out at the world passing by. She held her coffee mug close for warmth. She looked oddly familiar. And as cognizance dawned on me, I stood transfixed.

She was a classmate from my college days. She was known as the class nerd and was the class topper. But she was something else, this one -- pretty, smart, and sophisticated, with an aura of enigmatic confidence. I kind of had a thing for her back in the day. But she looked at me with disgust as the noisy, worthless last-bench dude; what with her being “Ms. Prim and Proper”. She always carried a book with her wherever she went.

I wanted to catch her eye and maybe start a conversation. You know, for old times’ sake! It had nothing to do with the fact that she had aged gracefully and looked really pretty.

I must have been staring because she looked right at me and smiled a few moments later. I think she recognized me. Sure, she ignored me in college and now, she smiles at me. I went up and joined her at her table. Her name was Sarafina. I had always liked that name. It was different and had a very strong vibe to it.

She remembered mine saving me from any embarrassment. We brought each other up to speed about our respective lives.

Her gaze was unnerving. When she looked at me, it was like she saw right through me. I realized that I had always wanted to know her better. Well, to be honest, I wanted her to know me better. That there was more to me than that disgusting last-bench dude from college. It was more like I was desperate for her approval. Ironic, given that this was my first proper conversation with this girl.

That day, I walked away with her number and a tingling sensation in my heart. I really wanted this woman to be an important part of my life.

Because strangely, with her, I felt safe enough to be me.

Sounds melodramatic. Doesn’t make sense. But some of the most real things in this world are those that we cannot see and make sense of instantly.

This made no sense, it happened out of the blue, maybe that's why I trusted it.

15th August, 2015

I keep texting her all the time and I want to talk to her all the time.

I guess she was preoccupied because she was laconic in her texts. When she did text, we ended up discussing perpetual motion. That’s something you don't see every day.

But she seemed like she wasn't really into talking to me. And here I was, dreaming about late night conversations where she would "discover" me. It was like I wasn't even worth her time. It hurt.

A girl I barely knew was now becoming the center of my world? Weird!

 

16th August, 2015

I woke up to her text today. She apologized for being terse. She had been really busy the previous week and was knackered. She said she wanted to know me better as well. I was so overjoyed!

I vowed right then to put consistent effort into making this work. To communicate properly and let her know that she was different and special. I really wanted her to know that I am not a bad guy and that she could trust me. I wanted to matter to her as well. I secretly hoped that she didn't hate me anymore.

21st  August, 2015

I have opened up a lot to her. She knows stuff about me that no one else does.

Also, I have told her umpteen times that she is really pretty. I don't think she believes me. But it's true. I don’t know how to get her to see just how beautiful she really is.

She has a lot of chutzpah. She is living her dream and following her passion of studying literature, even if that meant standing up to her whole family. I admire her courage.

She told me that she loved coffee. I told her that I would love to share a cup with her sometime. (Yeah, I asked her out! I think I sounded desperate!)

She said she would be delighted to. She was just being nice, I could tell. I wish it was more than that. I would have been a perfect gentleman on our date. I wanted her to see that side of me very badly.

2nd September, 2015

She called me today for the first time! She said that she was going to a café nearby and asked if we could meet up.

I had been sowing seeds of a rendezvous in her mind for a while now. (The date, remember?) But I couldn’t make it as I was running a couple of errands.

What struck me was her voice. Her mellow yet catchy voice. Her sexy voice. And her seductive accent. I just couldn’t get enough of that.

I was smiling like I had a hanger in my mouth. I think she heard my smile in my voice as we spoke over call.

10th September, 2015

I love the way she calls me Pehel. No one has called me that before. It is her special moniker for me. I love that part of my name now.

I am smitten! I want her to know that she is really important to me.

I told her that I have never been this vulnerable to anybody and I am showing her chinks in my armor because she is special.

I guess there was something about my tone because she kind of freaked out. She kept saying that she hoped that we were on the same page, that she didn't look at me "that" way. I kind of did look at her "that" way. So, it hurt.

I couldn't afford to scare her away, so I lied. I told her that it isn't what she is afraid of, that I loved her like a friend.

I guess she was happy with that because she said that if that's the case, then she loved me too. I cannot tell you how much that hurt!

I couldn't stand it. I told her that I would regret this conversation in the morning.

12th September, 2015

I am going out of town for a training event and when I texted her about it, she said that she would miss me.

MISS ME!? Needless to say, I was high the whole day. I couldn't get her out of my head.

I called her before I left. We spoke for 20 minutes. We just couldn't stop talking. She was giving me a list of dos and don’ts. I told her it sounded like I have a woman in my life telling me what to do now (Very sly! I know!).She didn't say anything. I think she blushed. We couldn't hang up, we kept doing the "No you hang up--no you hang up" thing, like a couple, you know?     

Maybe I want us to be one.

20th September, 2015

I returned home today. I couldn’t wait to tell her everything.

She had to leave for an internship shortly and would be gone for a month. I would really miss her. I wanted to go with her, keep her safe, travel, and spend time with her.

I wanted to hug her and never let her go. Keep her safe with me. She seems so delicate, like anyone could hurt her. But not on my watch!

I really like her. 

26th September, 2015

She returned home today after a huge fiasco. She is safe and glad to be back home. She had been homesick for a while now. I am happy that she is happy again.

I had been quietly deducing her while she was away. The more I learnt about her, the more I was in awe of her. I respected and cherished her. I became her ardent admirer.

We were texting normally and suddenly, out of the blue, I told her that I liked her. I don't know why I did that, but telling her felt right. She just had to know. I couldn't risk her being whisked away by someone else just because I didn't open my mouth and tell her how I felt. Again, she didn't say anything.

 

27th September, 2015

I was determined, possessed even to know what she felt for me.

While texting her today, I kept dropping hints all over the place. I kept telling her that I had an instinct that she liked me. That she can like me enough to at least put up with my flaws.

It was really late and she wanted to retire for the day. She asked me to put our conversation on hold and let her go to sleep.

I asked her why I had to let her go when I didn't want to! I asked her to stay with me and play with me.

I told her that I like her. That I am sacrificing food and sleep for her-- I definitely like her!

She said that she knew. She said she liked me too. Relief flooded through me.

I told her I wanted to hug her. She said that I could. I barely slept that night.

And after she told me that she liked me too, I just had to meet her.

She said it was like I was taking thoughts out of her head. I smiled. We are kind of made for each other.

We agreed to meet at the earliest.

 

18th October, 2015

I am supposed to meet her today. I am a nervous wreck. I have showered and shaved to look perfect. I wonder what she will look like. Perhaps I can hug her today.

[After the rendezvous]

She was beautiful! She was waiting for me (no, I wasn't late). She was in black again. She drank her coffee while I tried to string two words together. I was so nervous that at one point I told her that I act goofy when I am nervous. Guess what? I was at my goofiest best.

I told her that I valued her opinion a lot. I also ordered a chocolate fudge cake because she loves chocolates. I offered it to her around seven times. She didn't touch a morsel.

I had ordered it specifically for her and hoped that she would notice the gesture. I ate the cake while cursing myself within for blowing it.

Afterward, we took a stroll and sat talking at the beach nearby. But all too soon, she had to go as she had a curfew. I offered to drop her home, she declined. I asked her why I couldn't and she said that if her folks saw her with me that would be the end of it. I quietly resented to let her go on her own. I definitely wanted to see her again.

I fished desperately for an alibi.

I told her that I had a few books that she wanted to read and would give them to her any time she wanted. She agreed and I was content that I could meet her again.

I shook hands with her and said goodbye. I dreamt of her that night.

 

2nd November, 2015

The day when I can give her those books hasn't dawned yet. I am overwhelmed by my workload and haven’t been able to talk to her properly anymore. She is trying to reach out despite being busy herself. I miss her.

I guess she had a couple of things on her mind and out of the blue said, “We need to talk."

God knows that every man on Earth hates that line.

She asked me why I liked her and what I meant when I said that I liked her.

I played the field, I asked her what she thought I meant. I hoped she wasn't suspicious of me.

She said that she knew I genuinely liked her and asked me if it was because of the way she looked.

It was not just the way she looked. It was everything about her. Everything.

Then, came the worst.

“Do you like me as more than a friend? Yes/No?" I could say that she was really scared now.

I knew how she felt about relationships. How broken she was. I took a deep breath and asked her to calm down. I told her it wasn't so.

It was killing me on the inside but instead, I told her that I was confident that it wasn't anything but friendship as my past had rendered me helpless, broken, and cold-hearted.

What I meant was that I couldn't see her go away like the girls in my past. She was too important. I was too involved now.

She calmed down while I died within. I vowed to keep my distance from this girl.

1st January, 2016

As the New Year dawned, I couldn’t get her out of my head. It had been a very long time since we had last spoken. I missed her. I wasn’t over her.

I really wanted to talk to her again. So, I called her up and we decided to meet up. We both agreed that a long time had passed and welcomed the idea of casual walk around the block. Plus, I had to give her those books she wanted.

18th January, 2016

She is mad at me because she had recommended a couple of books and I haven't gotten around to reading them yet. It amuses me that she values my opinion about them. I can't stop smiling.

I am meeting her at a park tomorrow.

So, I want to read at least one book out of the recommendations to make her happy.

I never read and now, I am sitting here reading a romantic novel.

What has this woman done to me? She still has me on the palm of her hand.

19th January, 2016

Today evening was so serene!

Being with her felt so easy and natural. I could sit and talk to her all day. I can sit and listen to her talk all day. I can sit in silence with her cradled in my arms.

We got around to discussing my family, childhood, and upbringing. No one has taken such a genuine interest in my life before, in fact, I never get to talk about me, my life, and the stuff that I actually want to talk about with anybody else but her. I told her that and she smiled.

There were a couple of kids playing nearby and I wondered what kind of parents we would be. I told her what kind of a father I wanted to be. I know that she will be a wonderful mother. She will treat her children like individuals-- I love that.

I know that she has had a hard life. She didn't tell me so. I could see it on her face. Courage, wisdom, resilience-- she had it all. I fell in love with her then. And even the thought of her with another man infuriated me to no end.

She touched my heart in a way that I cannot explain. She was an unconventional woman who was not into her looks, didn't like make-up and barely used it. She wore no facade. I loved her more.

She smelled really great. She looked gorgeous! I was hypnotized!

I even told her that I was resisting making a move on her.

She told me that there were cops outside. (You have to admit, for her that was not witty!)

But I saw her blush and I couldn’t suppress my grin. Maybe she likes me too, just maybe…

We spoke for three hours and never realized it. She hadn't let me drive her home the last time, so I offered to walk her home this time. Thankfully, she didn't decline.

We walked around the block three times, not willing to go our separate ways.

I didn't want to say goodbye. I don’t ever want to. I want to hold her. Just keep her to myself. I can still smell her perfume as I write this.

I love her.

 

5th February, 2016

I am speechless. Adrenaline-levels are high in my blood.

We were texting for five hours today. We crossed several conversation boundaries. She has let her guard down with me. She didn't back away from difficult conversations. She didn't even stop me while I spoke about physical intimacy. She didn't run or cower in fear.

What does this mean? Does she like me like "that"? Does she like me as more than a friend?

Is she open to something more? God! What does it mean?

I can't get the two of us out of my head.

8th February, 2016

I spoke to her about a fiasco at my workplace and she listened. I went on for hours and she listened. She cared enough to tell me that I was so much more than what my colleagues perceive of me. She knew what I really was. She told me that I was strong and that I could handle it.

I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I told her that I loved her.

And she asked me to go to sleep.

I had thrown her off guard again.

9th February, 2016

I woke up to two long messages from her. She was freaking out.

She told me that even though she knew that I loved her, I had taken her by surprise!

I had to calm her down but I was going to stand my ground this time.

I told her that love had many meanings these days. She said, “Precisely!"

I let it go.

As much as it kills me, I don't want to bring it up and scare her away. But I also need to know how she feels. This pain is unbearable.

21st March, 2016

Last night, she told me that she feels safe around me!

I was elated for she knew I could keep her safe. She trusted me.

I’m meeting her today and I know what this rendezvous is about. I have a feeling she is going to bring "it" up. I am really scared but I want us to talk it over, irrespective of her stand and the end-result.

I know that we are made for each other. Like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that fit together just right. I know it in my heart.

Whatever is in the offing, we should finally let the Truth have its day!

And would you look at that? It’s drizzling. She will love the weather.

I can't wait to see her.

 

Sara

4. The Decision

Sara sat on her terrace with tears streaming down her cheeks. She had reached the last entry of his journal.

The man had meant everything that he had said. He was well aware of her take on relationships and also shared the same. Yet, she had failed to trust him. Her caution hung like a sword over her head, threatening to skewer her happiness.

It was really strange! This was all that she wanted throughout her life-- for a man to look at the real her, to notice something that the common eye could never see.

And here he was-- Pehel, doing just that. But she was petrified with fear, paralyzed to the bone thinking of all the things that could go wrong. But yet her heart felt this was right, like it was meant to be. She could never shake off the feeling that “This was it!”

She only had two choices now. The first was to give into her fear and sabotage the very thing that she wanted since she was a little girl, thus, ensuring she would never get hurt. Her heart would never be broken. She would always have the upper hand.

But she would never know Love. That was the prize she had to pay.

Because "Loving is for the Daring!"

"But I have always been daring!” she thought. “Not in this regard”, her heart whispered. “You have always been too afraid to get hurt. Your past has made you bitter. Funny that you should ask for something, receive it, and then run away from it.”

"What if it doesn't work out? What if it is not what I think it is? What if it is not everything that I dreamed it would be?” Sara asked her heart fiercely.

"So many what ifs. I have got another one for you, lady-- What if it actually turns out right and is everything that you dreamed it would be?”, replied her heart. “It’s just a balance of probability. A beautiful possibility. Are you going to lose all that just because you are afraid of getting hurt?"

“I don’t know” she said.

"Do you really want him?” asked her heart. “Yes, I want him! But I am scared”, came her reply.

"If you want it, you have to face your fear. You have to trust this. You have to believe it to see and summon it into your life. Otherwise, it will slip through your hands like grains of sand, never to return”, said her wise heart.

"No! I can't lose him! “Sara cried in pain.

She made up her mind, "Courage, dear heart."

He certainly had warned her about the book. She hoped it wasn't too late, that she hadn't done irrevocable damage. She never wanted to hurt him. She loved him. With trembling fingers, she dialed his number.

 

Pehel

5. The Missing Pieces

Pehel walked away from the encounter, slightly pleased with himself that he had finally been able to hand her the journal, THE journal, the one that contained everything about how he felt about Sara. However, like any great writer, he had taken some creative liberties to try his best to woo her. There were some entries that he had hidden from her, ripping those pages from the journal before he went to meet her. He had them tucked away in a little draw in his desk.

Pehel went straight home, thinking to himself, "Oh I wish she really knew the whole thing!" Heading straight to his desk, he opened the draw and took out the ripped pages nervously. He stared at them pensively in the silence of his room. It was a quiet evening with the occasional bird chirping away. He walked up to the window with a mug of coffee in his hand and sat by the window sill, eager to go over the missing pages. He looked at the chirping Silverbill in the tree nearby, almost as if he were seeking its approval, and wishing it luck in finding its mate. It was nice to know that he wasn’t alone in this journey of finding where your heart truly lies.

He finished his coffee and ruffled through the footnotes that he’d hid from Sara. “She would probably be reading the journal right now”, he thought. Like a beehive, that is held together by a million working pieces, Pehel thought of the inner cogs and gears that formed the anomaly that was his mind. "Oh how did you end up feeling this way, and how did you do this with so much already going on in your head?" he asked out loud. He finally started reading the pages and tried to piece together the missing snippets of the story.

15th August, 2015

A girl I barely knew was now becoming the center of my world? Weird!

This is probably what I concluded the entry with.

Little did she know that my world is one without too much colour or far too much colour. It is either completely inspired by film noir or by something straight out of a Dr. Seuss novel. In the midst of it, she stood starting to paint the corner of the room with a much more distinct flood of colour almost resembling something that was aimed at the finer public. I admit that I did not know how to feel about this at first, but slowly I started coping with this change and now my world had three different colour schemes. Don't get me wrong, it was still chaos. But this was beautiful chaos, like a river finding its way across the landscape, crashing through everything in its mighty wake. Through the streams and waterfalls it finally led to the vast ocean which was brimming with so much diversity. She had blended herself seamlessly into the ocean of imagination that was my mind, having broken through all the obstacles like a mighty river. She was already a part of the ocean, but letting her know something like this would just seem too desperate. Besides, I just started writing this journal for her. (God knows why I started doing this!)

 

16th August, 2015

So I finally figured out why she viewed in the sense that she did. She thought I was a product of my surroundings! Unbelievable! Hey, don't judge a book by its cover, lady!

I didn't have a single habit that would come back to cripple me later in life. I'm not an extremely smart man, but I know that the way to win the game against drugs is to not play. Besides, I'm holding off. I’m trying to keep my blood clean so that one day I can start donating it to a more noble cause. Yes, you read that right. I want to donate blood one day. I mean I know it is great for the society, but more than that it has long term benefits in improving my own health. A win-win situation!? Count me in!

I was a little sad that she didn't view my college educational experience the same way I did. Yes, my college was poor and attracted a lot of bad crowd. But there were so many rags to riches stories here. There were so many people from poor backgrounds whose folks couldn't make ends meet, and yet were giving their all to ensure that their kids had a good education.

I saw it for what it is. There were living examples in front of me, of people fighting all odds to make something of their lives. Now as with a yin, there's always a yang, and I could see many deadbeats who couldn't see the sacrifices their parents made for them, and just wasted their lives away. However, I saw my college as a place that taught me what life truly was as opposed to that penitentiary of a high school that hadn’t even let me near the entrance. It was a detail that I didn't quite observe until I had left high school, but year after year I saw the fences being pushed a foot higher than the previous year. Guess they're playing the long game for an Olympic medal!

 

21st August, 2015

"I would have been the perfect gentleman on our date?"

“Pfft! Wake up, man! What kind of a dream world are you living in!?”

How could I write something like that? I thought I had already gone too far with asking her out like that! I mean come on, dude! I don't know the first thing about chivalry!

I'd probably struggle to pull the chair out for a lady. Actually now that I think about it, I'd probably pull the chair out and forget to push it closer to the table! It is odd that I'm actually considering all this. I was never the type to actually give so much energy to something before.

I'm growing more and more nervous with each passing day. She is part of my world now. But I didn't consider her taking it over completely.

2nd September, 2015

I was smiling like I had a hanger in my mouth. I think she heard my smile in my voice as we spoke over call.

Okay, it’s becoming clearer and clearer that she is definitely taking over my world.

And the worst part is that she knows it! I need to find something that will lead me back to my normal self. I'm thinking way too much about her. “Come on, you doof... you're a smart man!” I know that when I’m not at my best when I’m nervous. My strength is my confidence. I need to find a way to make sure that I remember that I'm in charge of myself, not her! This isn't a game of mental gymnastics...yet!

I simply cannot get over how free flowing that accent is. I've seen hundreds of people who have no idea how to string together a sentence, and here I am up against someone who can weave them together to make weapons! It is a bit like training against the first-form enemies in a video game and suddenly finding yourself fighting a major boss! Needless to say, I like this in her...a lot!

However, I need to make sure I don't slip up in our conversations and show her that I can make mistakes. I don’t want to mess this up anymore.

 

10th September, 2015

Well, there's a certain charm to the way she calls me by my middle name. I don't think I have ever told her that it isn't my official middle name. The lines are quickly blurring and a lot is being left unsaid.

The journal seems to carry the main parts that convey what I feel for her, but I think it’s better if I keep these little footnotes out of it. I do feel a little guilty though, having to present the truth without presenting the whole truth.

However, I'm not ready for this to be part of the truth. Yet, it’s far too important to not be recorded. I need to think about this.

18th October, 2015

I couldn't bring myself to write this but I want to be completely truthful.

I ended the day by shaking hands with her and taking my leave. God knows I wanted to do so much more. I couldn't stop thinking about her through the whole thing! And this made no sense! She was right there, sitting four feet away from me. What I really wanted to do was to hug her tightly and tell her how much she meant to me. But I already had such a good thing going. I can't afford to mess up what we already had!

 

Pehel

Chapter 6. The Start of a New Adventure

 

Pehel couldn’t continue reading the ripped pages. With tears in his eyes he realized just how much was riding upon the journal. He wondered if Sara had finished reading it. A small voice in his head taunted him, telling him that she probably wouldn’t have bothered to read it at all. Shaking away that thought, he grabbed his coffee mug only to realize that the coffee had now grown cold.

He saw his phone light up and a small smile broke out on his face. He had been praying for this.

"Pehel?” said the voice at the other end. Sara sounded relieved, like she had found her answers.

Though teary eyed, he couldn't help but smile as they spoke. The journal had done its job. The Truth finally had its day.

Heaving a sigh of relief, he reached out for another sheet of paper and a pen, thinking hard about whether the next entry was actually needed. After much debate, he started writing it down.

21st March, 2016

The journal has done its job and I believe that I too have done a good job of facing my fears. I realized that it was only sensible for me to learn how to face the inner workings of my mind, fight my demons, and not put on a façade just to be more likable.

I really don’t know what came over me. I handed over what were my innermost, deepest, darkest secrets to someone I had been a stranger to not too long ago, but goddammit it happened! And though scary, that vulnerability had birthed the most intimate relationship of my life.

The river that was seeking its way to the ocean is now just one big body of water. There is neither a sea nor an ocean. An entire ocean in a drop of water and the other way around.

Now that I do know what I feel for her and vice versa, I hope there comes a day when I can share all the ripped pages of the journal to her as well. I think it is time I started being more true to myself...and her. This will probably be my last entry because going forward, words and feelings will not be left unsaid. Have courage, dear heart, for a beautiful journey lies ahead.